Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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