he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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