my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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