I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
