did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wish I only lived at night.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
