You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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