the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
