he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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