even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize