i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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