Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
