If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
