anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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