she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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