My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
