I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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