My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
