I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
