I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
