Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I forget how to act sober
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