I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
