The brown eye won't let me do that either.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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