3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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