My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
