I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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