Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You don't make any sense
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