Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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