i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize