Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
