I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
