Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize