Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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