i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
