just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
