I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
