Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
