i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
