I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize