i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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