I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We need a shit load of segways right now
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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