I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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