he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
