I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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