i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
