I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She said her name was "party"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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