I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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