I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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