I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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