I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm always down for nudity.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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