wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
