I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
