I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
