dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
