she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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