i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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