So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
