So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
