I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
