Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
