her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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