Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
