My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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