Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
