It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
