I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
