I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
